What Are We Supposed To Say?
What are we supposed to say?
Years ago, when I was first on Facebook, I was watching a baseball game on television during a lazy summer Sunday afternoon. My team, the Angels, were playing a team from outside of California—a team I do not like very much. All-Star Bobby Abreu was batting for the Angels against a pitcher who was known to have a quick temper. The hurler went into his windup, but halfway through the home plate umpire emerged from his crouch, jumped in front of the plate and yelled, “Time out!” Abreu backed out of the batter’s box, then the pitcher stopped and then inexplicitly threw the ball right at Abreu’s head! This crazy act infuriated Bobby, caused both dugouts to go into fighting pose and I was triggered. I grabbed my phone and proceeded to post something on Facebook like, “That jerk so-and-so just threw at Bobby Abreu’s head. What a classless organization that allows its players to behave like that.”
Before I could put the phone down, I immediately received a text from my friend Todd in North Carolina. He said something to effect of, “JD, be careful what you say, even on social media. It can ruin your reputation. There’s a lot of people—even here in North Carolina—who don’t think that team is classless. Please don’t let one hot-head player make you think the whole organization is bad. Blessings, Todd.”
Wow! I was stunned. One necessary and helpful rebuke from a friend launched me out of my annoyance. Someone from North Carolina?
That was over ten years ago, and Todd has since passed away. Yet today, almost every time I put something on social media I am reminded of Todd’s warning, “Be careful!”
What are we supposed to say?
We have a grip of grandkids. And we get to watch our kids train theirs. It is common to hear the parents say, “What do you say?” “Say, ‘please!’ Say, ‘thank you.’ Say, ‘I’m sorry.’ Say, ‘I love you!’”
Kids need to be trained what to say. And so do adults.
Good news, bad news: the bad news first—we will never completely master this.
"But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."
James 3:8, (ESV)
The bad news is we cannot fully control our words. I’m not a toddler anymore. I’m 29, plus shipping and handling, restocking fees…okay, I am old. And I still catch myself regularly lying…about my age, getting snarky, going for the joke instead of kindness…
We will never master what we’re supposed to say.
Here’s the good news: We can make progress. We can do better. We can learn what to say and what not to say.
So, what do you say? What kind of words should we use?
That question leads us to Proverbs 10.
King Solomon suggest four filters, four questions Solomon raises that will help us better know what to say.
The first question comes from verse 11:
“The words of the godly are a life-giving fountain; the words of the wicked conceal violent intentions.”
Proverbs 10:11 (NLT)
1. Is it Life-Giving
What you say, what you write, what you text, what you post, what you do with your words, is it life-giving or life-sucking.
Mark Twain revealed, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Mark Twain
Thomas Edison out it this way, “I can live on a good compliment two weeks with nothing else to eat.”
What are they saying? Some words are life-giving.
I will never forget the great preacher Haddon Robinson, shaking my hand, looking me in the eye and saying, “You’ve blessed my life.” Wow, that was thirty-plus years ago.
I also have a hard time remembering something my Mom said that really stung.
This is so important for parents. We can stay life-giving even when we correct.
The second question to ask before using our words comes from verse 13:
“Wise words come from the lips of people with understanding, but those lacking sense will be beaten with a rod. “
Proverbs 10:13 (NLT)
2. Is it Understanding?
Does it demonstrate understanding?
A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the clubhouse. The ball was sitting about 2-feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, setup silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said,” Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.”
The voice broke the man’s concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated, “Would the gentleman on the first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.”
The golfer backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, “Would you please tell the gentleman in the clubhouse that the gentleman on the first tee is hitting his second shot?”
That captures where we are in our culture. We’ve got our loudspeakers going but we don’t understand what is actually going on.
Our politicians have exhibited very little understanding of what most Americans are experiencing. Our preferred media outlets are bombarding us with false caricatures of what those who differ from our beliefs are really like. We do not understand each other, and we keep making silly pronouncements.
Solomon says the opposite of understanding is lacking sense and it leads to a beating. Welcome to 2021.
Another proverb tells us who doesn’t pursue understanding:
“Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.”
Proverbs 18:2 (NLT)
James warned, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."
James 1:19 (NLT)
The third question that helps answer the, “What do you say?” dilemma comes from verse 17.
“Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.”
Proverbs 10:17(NLT)
3. Is it Necessary?
I admire people with the gift of gab. But I admire even more people who have the gift of gab yet know when to stop gabbing.
Sometimes we need to say something. Other times we are only trying to make ourselves look good through virtue signaling.
Speaking of unnecessary, let me review the classic episode of Seinfeld called The Comeback.
In this episode, George is in a company staff meeting. A co-worker named Reilly witnesses George wolfing down a plate of shrimp, and comments. “Hey George, the ocean called; they’re running out of shrimp.” The rest of the staff has a big laugh at George’s expense. He leaves the meeting fuming, then spends the remainder of the episode planning his “comeback” line.
George eventually comes up with, “Well, the Jerk Store called, and they’re running out of you.”
He runs it by Jerry, who unsuccessfully tries to talk him out of using it.
At the end of the show, George attends another meeting. He brings in some shrimp, starts eating and waits for Reilly to hit him again with another zinger. Reilly does, and George replies with his jerk store response:
“Well, the Jerk Store called, and they’re running out of you.”
Reilly responds, “What’s the difference? You’re their all-time bestseller!”
Too many words cause too many problems.
And the last question comes from verse 20:
“The words of the godly are like sterling silver; the heart of a fool is worthless.”
Proverbs 10:20 (NLT)
4, Is it Valuable
Sterling silver is 92.5% pure. It is stronger than gold and easier to shape than the pure metal.
Our words ought to be at least 92.5% valuable.
My friend Todd texted me those words that still help me today. My grandmother would have displayed them in her china or curio cabinet.
What are we supposed to say? Make sure our words are life-giving, understanding, necessary and valuable.
Perhaps our response is regret or feeling overwhelmed. Like Isaiah, we cry:
"Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I live among a people of unclean lips…”
Isaiah 6:5 (NASB)
The good news is we can be forgiven and we can do better.
Solomon ends the chapter with this:
The mouth of the godly person gives wise advice, but the tongue that deceives will be cut off.
Proverbs 10:31 (NLT)
That’s a daunting prediction. I don’t think Solomon is saying our literal tongue will be cut off. But our friends and followers and even our front row may cut us off from social media or real life. Solomon actually predicted some sort of cancel culture.
And too many people are cut off from relationships, isolated because they didn’t know what to say.
Be careful.