Reconciliation: hospitality over hostility

I am grieving the loss of a friend.  He didn’t die, but he did disrespect, dishonor and treat me dishonestly.  It has been awkward.   I am hoping for reconciliation.

Who would you like to reconcile with? 

There is a lot of talk about reconciliation these days.  Maybe because we are living in such a divided culture.  There’s talk about racial reconciliation, family reconciliation, professional reconciliation, and more.  Relationships have been torn asunder by politics, pundits and preferences.

During a recent episode of The Stephen A. Smith Show, Smith candidly gave his assessment of a rift he is having with LeBron James.  Smith concluded, "We may never speak in life again. I'm fine with it."

Is that how we’re supposed to live?  Are we to just stack up a list of folks we never want to talk to again?  Are we supposed to pretend we are fine with it?

The Apostle Paul wrote:

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. –2 Corinthians 5:18-20 (NIV)

Paul tells us that we as believers have been given the ministry of reconciliation.  It is our responsibility to seek reconciliation—with God; with others; with helping others reconcile to God.

How do we promote reconciliation?

With all the talk about reconciliation, I believe there is a lot of confusion about the topic.  So, let’s walk through and work through the reconciliation journey that we see in the Bible’s first book, Genesis and the story of Joseph.

This is the account of Jacob’s family line.  Joseph, a young man of seventeen, was tending the flocks with his brothers…and he brought their father a bad report about them.  Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made an ornate robe for him. (Your versions might read beautiful, or a coat of many colors) When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him. —Genesis 37:2-4 (NIV)

Joseph comes on the scene at seventeen as a tattle tale, and his father’s favorite.  His brothers didn’t like him at all.

Note:  Let’s not play favorites with our kids or grandkids

Then Jospeh proceeded to tell his brothers he had a dream that they would all bow down to him, and another dream that he would reign over his brothers and his parents.  The brothers became jealous, and Dad became confused.

In the next scene, the brothers are out working when Jacob sends Joseph to go check up on them.

When Joseph’s brothers saw him coming, they recognized him in the distance. As he approached, they made plans to kill him.  “Here comes the dreamer!” they said.  “Come on, let’s kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns. We can tell our father, ‘A wild animal has eaten him.’ Then we’ll see what becomes of his dreams!”—Genesis 37:18-20 (NIV)

Overreact much?

Note:  Let’s be careful not to overreact

But when Reuben heard of their scheme, he came to Joseph’s rescue. “Let’s not kill him,” he said.  “Why should we shed any blood? Let’s just throw him into this empty cistern here in the wilderness. Then he’ll die without our laying a hand on him.” Reuben was secretly planning to rescue Joseph and return him to his father. –Genesis 37:21-22 (NIV)

Reuben is the oldest, and at least he possesses some sense of reason.

So when Joseph arrived, his brothers ripped off the beautiful robe he was wearing.  Then they grabbed him and threw him into the cistern. Now the cistern was empty; there was no water in it. Then, just as they were sitting down to eat, they looked up and saw a caravan of camels in the distance coming toward them. It was a group of Ishmaelite traders… --Genesis 37:23-25 (NIV)

Nothing works up an appetite like physically abusing your brother.

The brothers see the traders and decide to sell Joseph into slavery.  Yikes.  That’s about as bad as it gets.  Your brothers sell you into slavery!

Step 1 on the Reconciliation Journey: Sin

The first step toward reconciliation is somebody sins against you.  There was no need for reconciliation with my friend, until he totally disrespected me.

Step 2 on the Reconciliation Journey: Clarify the sin

This is an important piece of reconciliation.  Too often we minimize the sin.  We say, “Boys will be boys.  They didn’t really mean it.  Its not that bad.”  Instead, we need to look at the offense and call it what it is.

On the other hand, maybe it isn’t a sin at all.  Maybe it’s a misunderstanding, a harmless comment, maybe it is nothing.  Let’s be honest about what happened.

Years ago, I was having a really hard time with another situation where I felt I’d been betrayed.  My wife, Lori, suggested I see a counselor.  She went with me.  When I told the therapist my story, he said, “That is terrible that happened to you.” Honestly, that was all the clarification I needed.  The sessions lasted about ten minutes, but clarifying the sin was well worth the fee.

Joseph story continues.  He emerges as a top-notch slave which comes with a promotion.  But then he is falsely accused of sexual assault. And he gets thrown into prison.  Slavery is bad, prison might be worse.

That is the problem with sin: it leads to more sin.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving, Clark.

I suspect Joseph knew that his brothers were partially responsible for him being accused and in jail and in his mess. That’s a giant wrench in any reconciliation plans.  Somebody sinned, it has a ripple effect, and we end up in a huge mess.

But there’s good news for Joseph.  He interprets some dreams and impresses the Pharoah.  Joseph predicts seven years of plenty, then seven years of famine, and he suggests Pharoah picks someone to be in charge of managing what is coming.

Joseph’s suggestions were well received by Pharaoh and his officials. Pharaoh asked his officials, “Can we find anyone else like this man so obviously filled with the spirit of God?” Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Since God has revealed the meaning of the dreams to you, clearly no one else is as intelligent or wise as you are.  You will be in charge of my court, and all my people will take orders from you. Only I, sitting on my throne, will have a rank higher than yours.”—Genesis 41:37-40 (NIV)

So Pharaoh put Joseph in charge of all Egypt.  And Pharaoh said to him, “I am Pharaoh, but no one will lift a hand or foot in the entire land of Egypt without your approval.”…So Joseph took charge of the entire land of Egypt.  He was thirty years old when he began serving in the court of Pharaoh, the king of Egypt. —Genesis 41:43-46 (NIV)

Seventeen to thirty, thirteen years Joesph was captive.

Step 3 on the Reconciliation Journey: Forgiveness

During this time, before the first of the famine years, two sons were born to Joseph and his wife… Joseph named his older son Manasseh, for he said, “God has made me forget all my troubles and everyone in my father’s family.” Joseph named his second son Ephraim, for he said, “God has made me fruitful in this land of my grief.”—Genesis 41:50-52 (NIV)

Joseph forgave his brothers.  How do we know this?  He named his firstborn Manasseh which means forget.

Forgiving implies forgetting.  Does that mean who will forget whatever they did to you?  Maybe not, but forgiveness means we let it go.  We stop rehearsing the offense in our mind; we refuse to keep ruminating on those events.  It means we drop it.  And we may remember from time to time, but we’re not triggered by it.  We’re not controlled by it because we have let it go.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation.  Don’t miss that.  Forgiving doesn’t equal reconciling.  Forgiving is something we do, on our own, even if our brothers, our offenders, are far away.  Even if we haven’t seen the person in thirteen years. 

We’ve got to let it go.  We have to forgive.  For three reasons.

1      Do it for yourself.  Holding on to it will only eat you up inside.  Don’t forgive for them, forgive for yourself.

Jodi Picoult observed, ““Forgiving isn't something you do for someone else. It's something you do for yourself. It's saying, 'You're not important enough to have a stranglehold on me.' It's saying, 'You don't get to trap me in the past. I am worthy of a future.”

2.   Do it for vengeance.

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” --Romans 12:19 (NIV)

When we hold on to the offense, we actually block God’s work in our life and the other person’s life. 

      3.  Do it for blessing.  When we hold on tight to that grudge, we don’t have as much room to receive God’s blessings in our lives.

Please forgive!  But please don’t equate forgiveness with reconciliation.

The story continues.  Joseph’s brothers come to Egypt looking for food in the famine, and the run into their brother Joseph.  He recognizes them, but they don’t recognize him.

Here’s another couple indications that Joseph forgave them:  When he saw them, he didn’t immediately throw them into a cistern, sell them into slavery or kill them.  And three times in the story, Joseph excuses himself to weep alone.

But we are not at reconciliation yet.  Joseph did not say, “No worries, everything is great!”

This is how I will test your story. –Genesis 42:15 (NIV)

Joseph tests his brothers.  He has forgiven them.  But trust has been broken.

Step 4 on the Reconciliation Journey:  Testing

If your spouse cheats on you, you don’t say, “It was nothing.”  You forgive, but trust has to be rebuilt. 

How can we test?  By showing hospitality.

Henri Nouwen wrote, “Hospitality means primarily the creation of free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place. It is not to bring men and women over to our side, but to offer freedom.”

Hospitality is the test.  In this story Joseph feeds his brothers, gives them grain, returns their payment, all the while checking their integrity, their veracity, their plans and their words.

Chapters 42-46 outline Joseph patiently walking and testing along the journey of reconciliation.

Note:  Let’s put ourselves in a financial position to show hospitality

Peter denied Jesus three times.  When Jesus restored Peter, Jesus did it over breakfast—hospitality.

How long does it take?  As long as it takes.  Five chapters?  Shorter?  Longer?  Trust takes time.

Forgiveness is something we can do on our own.  Reconciliation takes two.

Joseph invited his father and his brothers to move to Egypt.  He gave them land and took care of everything.  They lived there for seventeen years.  Life was fine but reconciliation was not quite complete just yet.

In chapter 48 Jacob died.  Then chapter 50 happens:

When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?”  So they sent word to Joseph, saying, “Your father left these instructions before he died:  ‘This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.’ Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father.” When their message came to him, Joseph wept. –Genesis 50:15-17 (NIV)

You might get an apology.  You might not.

There are three types of apologies: weak, moderate and strong.  It’s like the notice you get when you enter a new password.

1.      Weak: “I’m sorry you are hurt…”  This throws the blame back on you.

2.      Moderate: “Dad says we need to work things out.”  Better but not great

His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. They said, “We are your slaves,” they said. —Genesis 50:18 (NIV)

3.      Strong: The complete apology

Note: Let’s work on our apology skills

Reconciliation still wasn’t fully accomplished.  Until:

But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. —Genesis 50:15-21 (NIV)

Step 5 on the Reconciliation Journey:  Accepting God’s plan

Real reconciliation comes when we can forgive, and also embrace that God meant it for good.  It comes when we can say, “Don’t be afraid.”  It comes with true kindness.

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. –2 Corinthians 5:17-20 (NIV)

Forgiveness is a decision; reconciliation is a journey.  I’m still trying to create space for reconciliation with my friend.  I have forgiven him.  How about you?