Relational Peace University
Several days ago, I walked to the gym to get in my regular workout. After a bit of cardio, I started in on the weights. I noticed that one of the more popular machines was open, so I went over, draped my towel over the seat and started to wipe it down with Lysol-laced paper towels. Just when I was about to get on the apparatus, I felt a creepy, awkward and uncomfortably warm sweaty hand placed in the top of my back. I turned around to see this younger, squirrely guy who said, “I’ve got one more set.” I took out my earbuds and asked, “Where were you?” He pointed that he was also using another machine. “One more set.” Then I did something I immediately regretted, “I said, “Okay,” and moved to another machine while he finished.
One of my pet peeves at the gym is clueless, entitled people who hoard multiple machines at one time. Anyway, I saw he finished, so I went back to that popular workout machine and started to wipe it down again. Then the guy says, “Oh, my friend has one more set too.” I took out my earbud and said, “Kind of a jerk move, huh?” He got defensive, and stuttered back, “No it isn’t, you can wait, you can be patient, one more set.”
Again, I moved, but I was annoyed for the rest of the workout. I thought of some better comebacks, like, “The Jerk Store called…” “How many of these machines do you actually own?” or even, “I’m sorry your parents didn’t raise you better…” I walked home, and when Lori asked, “How was the gym?” I muttered, “Annoying.’
It is annoying that an annoying person at the gym can annoy me by being annoying. I suspect you know what that is like.
How can we be at our best relationally?
Relational issues are draining. We’re exhausted from having to deal with stuff. We’re really tired, but we can’t sleep because we’re consumed with the issue, so we get even more fatigued…
In his book, “At Your Best,” Carey Nieuwhof says, “If you spend most of your time with draining people, you’ll live much of your life feeling drained…You can give only what you’ve got. And if you’ve got nothing left in the tank, you can’t help anybody.”
Relational issues are disturbing. They are emotional. We’re sad, tearful, angry, questioning—we may even go through the stages of grief.
Relational tension can be debilitating. We can become stuck, frozen with no idea how to get out from under the discord.
How can we be at our best relationally? How do we deal with the burdens of little or large relational conflict? How do we get out from under the circumstances when the circumstances are not pretty?
That is one of the questions that the Apostle Paul addresses in his letter to people in Rome.
In chapter 12 Paul encouraged the Romans to go all in with their bodies. Then he turned toward relationships:
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.
Romans 12:9-17 (NIV)
Wow, that is a lot! That is Relational Peace University! How are we supposed to even begin to do all of those things?
At the end of this mini-sermon, Paul sums things up simply:
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18 (NIV)
Paul advises one simple strategy for becoming at our best relationally:
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18 (NIV)
The goal is to live at peace with everyone. When you are at peace, you can fulfill your greatest purpose If there is peace, there is relational success. Shoot for peace.
How? Paul suggests two courses in Relational Peace University:
Course 1: If it is possible…
We do need to come to grips with the fact that sometimes peace is illusive.
Sometimes people just need to agree to disagree. Actually they don’t agree on anything, they just decide to disagree, they can’t even agree about disagreeing. In some instances conflict is pretty much permanent.
We don’t expect the Palestinians to come to the Israelites and say, “I can’t stay mad at you!” The Hatfields and the McCoys aren’t going to have a group hug. Family Feuds don’t always get worked out in a thirty minute game show. Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr will not work it out. The 49ers and Rams are not going to merge their teams.
Taylor Swift was on to this when she sang, “We are never, ever, getting back together.”
Why does peace not always happen? Paul mentioned one reason three times: evil. Some people are evil, some people act evil, and some people do evil. Evil is real, and it disrupts peace. And some people re foolish.
There are three types of people, wise, foolish and evil. It is difficult to have much peace when we’re only around foolish and evil folks.
Sometimes resolution just isn’t going to happen. But there is some good news: sometimes it is possible for conflict to be mended.
The Eagles broke up, but then they reunited, as did Guns and Roses, Genesis, Fleetwood Mac and The Spice Girls —sometimes you can get the band back together.
Reunited and it feels so good. We both are so excited ‘cause we’re reunited hey, hey.
Sometimes it is possible.
Course 2: …as far as it depends on you…
Sometimes there is nothing we can do. When the conflict is between two other people, or when one person is unwilling to budge, we cannot control them. It may be out of our hands.
But there is some good news: We can do all we can do.
Paul says, “Never be lacking in zeal but keep your spiritual fervor…” Romans 12:11 (NIV)
All we can do is all we can do, but we can do all we can do.
We can do our piece to achieve peace.
Over the years I’ve had the unfortunate experience of having too many people come to me and announce that their marriage appeared to be over. “My wife is leaving me…” “My husband is having an affair…” “We’re not getting along…” Sad stuff.
I’m not a counselor, but I’ve always tried to give one small piece of advice: “Do everything you can to keep your marriage together.” You can’t control the other person, but you can do all you can do.
Usually that advice is met with resistance, “But you don’t know what the other person did…” I admit it, I don’t know, I can’t imagine and they may be an even bigger jerk than you are making them out to be. But for your own sake, do all you can. Because in ten years, you do not want to have any regrets about how you handled things.
We want to be able to face our future relationships knowing that even if past relationships did not work out, we did all we can do.
Do all you can do.
How do I do that? Let me suggest several ideas.
1. Improve.
Did you notice Paul’s words? Devotion, honor, hope, patience, prayer, share, hospitality, prayer, empathy, sympathy, humility, righteousness.
The more you grow as a person, the more peaceful you will become.
Here is one way I can improve: release the pet peeve of gym rats hoarding machines. I can chalk it up to foolishness, to bad parenting, and get on with my workout. I can improve.
2. Apologize
Want to live at peace? Apologize when you mess up.
In the National Hockey League playoffs, Barry Beck of the New York Rangers started an ugly brawl that ended up including most of both team’s benches. After the game Beck had a great quote about the incident. He said, “We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.”
“A true apology is more than just an acknowledgement of a mistake. It is recognizing that something you have said or done has damaged a relationship—and that you care enough about the relationship that you want it repaired or restored.”
Norman Vincent Peale
In many instances if you apologize, the other person will apologize right back. Peace.
But what if they don’t? What if they get mad or yell or refuse to accept the apology or make it worse? That’s one way to tell if they are wise, foolish or evil!
3. Forgive.
Maybe it is mostly their fault or all their fault. How can we find peace? Forgive.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.
Romans 12:17 (NIV)
Forgiveness is bitter, yet medicinal; revenge is sweet, yet poisonous. Your choice. But you have to choose.
“Forgiveness doesn't make the other person right; it makes you free.” Stormie Omartian
“Preset every response to forgive. If you adjust your dial to “forgive,” you’ll carry fewer burdens. It’s hard to remember everyone you’re mad at, so here “forgive” really does mean “forget.” Just remember you will likely not get the same treatment in return. I accept apologies as easily as I accept money. In fact, it is a currency. You accept it, and that offending party feels grateful, and owes you one.”
Greg Gutfeld
It may seem silly, but I had to sit down, and intentionally decide to forgive the gym guy. I tell myself that I am letting it go. If I see him at the gym again, I can remind myself that I released that.
But how?
Receive forgiveness from God. Live at peace with God.
Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.
Romans 5:1 (NLT)
Paul tells us that life is a mess, but Jesus offers us peace with God. We are in conflict with God, but Jesus came to earth, died for us to bridge our relationship with God. We can have peace with God.
At Journey, we describe this as the ABC prayer:
A. Admit I’m in conflict with God
B. Believe Jesus died and rose again to reunite me with God
C. Choose to follow him.
When we have peace with God, it allows us to pursue peace with everyone else.
When people’s lives please the Lord, even their enemies are at peace with them. Proverbs 16:7 (NLT)
4. Boundaries.
I own a classic car—a 1966 Mustang convertible. Let me tell you a secret about classic cars: the insurance is dirt cheap, its barely a couple hundred bucks a year, and that includes collision, comprehensive and liability.
Why is collector car insurance so inexpensive? The insurance companies know that valuable car is your baby, it is your prized possession. You are not going to park your timeless collectible in a high-car-theft area. You are not going to leave it out in the elements. You are not going to abuse it. You’re not going to toss the keys to a foolish person and say, “Go crazy!”
Guess what? You are a classic. You are God’s baby! You are a prized possession. Do not park yourself in a high-abuse area. Don’t give the keys of your life to a fool and suggest, “Go crazy!” Set some boundaries!
Here is the full Carey Nieuwhof quote:
“If you spend most of your time with draining people, you’ll live much of your life feeling drained. So, guard your heart. While this might sound selfish, it’s not. Self-care isn’t selfish. It gives you (and me) the energy we need to truly be present for the people who may not be as energizing. You can give only what you’ve got. And if you’ve got nothing left in the tank, you can’t help anybody…The principle is simple: stop treating everyone the same, because all relationships aren’t the same.”Carey Nieuwhof
Toby Mac admitted, "A lack of boundaries often invites a lack of respect."
Here is the key to Relational Peace University: Do your piece, then live in peace.